Something Lost
by rainiel
Summary: Meditations on episode 5. Scenes I would have liked to see.
1. Chapter 1

Kitty had managed to retain her composure as she left the surgery tent, but as soon as the cool night air hit her she realised her heart was thumping, tears biting at her eyes. The last time anyone had grabbed her like that… She shook her head quickly, trying not to think about it. Suffice to say that she hadn't known if she would make it out alive. She never wanted to be in that position again. Rosalie was right- men were pigs. And Kitty should have learnt that by now.

Yet there had been a softness in Thomas's eyes that shone through his cruel words, as if he were almost as afraid as she was. Desperate as she had been to get out as soon as he let her go, something had made her stay, rooted to the spot for a few seconds, willing him to look up at her one last time. And the places- the places his hands had been- they didn't burn the way Elliott's grasps had (and maybe always would). What remained of Thomas's touch was the fading warmth of something lost.

Later, clutching Mathilde in her own arms and trying her very best not to think of Sylvie, Kitty realised what it was she had felt in Thomas's embrace, so long missing in her life: tenderness.


	2. Chapter 2

The hospital was quiet- or, at least, quieter than _usual_- planned operations over for the day, patients being tended to by the nurses and VADs, the next convoy not due for several hours. Thomas was in his and Miles's sleeping quarters, transcribing some notes from surgery on his typewriter. His cheek was still stinging from that slap, much as he tried to ignore it. He knew he had deserved it. Her reasons were fair; his words unnecessarily harsh. He had been surprised by the immediacy of the slap, though, as if it were not a simple response to his words but a reflex. That said, he hadn't planned on grabbing her, either. Hadn't planned on reaching out to her again; hadn't planned on holding her, close enough to hear her breathing.

Thomas sighed deeply. He couldn't possibly concentrate on his Carrel-Dakin notes now. His mind was full of Kitty: her eyes, her lips, the vast _absence _remaining when he let go of her…

"There's no need to be quite so rude to Miss Trevelyan, you know," announced Miles as he walked in and perched on his chair, picking up that copy of _Tarzan_.

"What?" snapped Thomas. He couldn't have overheard some of their argument earlier- could he?

"You could at least humour her. You know, the "do", tomorrow."

Thomas breathed a sigh of relief.

"I came here to work, not to… make friends."

"And yet here we are!"

"That was completely unintentional." replied Thomas, letting slip a half-smile.

"You must admit you have a tendency to snap."

Thomas ignored him, busying himself with the typewriter ribbon.

"And it can come off as… aggressive, no, it's just- it could be upsetting for a young lady in a foreign country surrounded by strange men!"

"Miss Trevelyan isn't exactly the sensitive type." growled Thomas. Could they not just leave this?

"Maybe there's a reason for that."

Miles's voice had become somehow less jovial than usual.

"Miles, if you're trying to get at something, could you please just come out and say it?"

"You must promise not to tell _anyone._"

"We're not bloody schoolgirls."

Miles paused for a second.

"When Miss Trevelyan and I went into town that day- I don't know who it was that she met. I feel now I should have _known_ something was going to happen. She was even colder than usual in the car; on edge."

Thomas looked up to see Miles with his hand against his forehead, rubbing his brow as if he didn't quite know what to say next, or how to say it.

"There…was an incident. A violent one. I heard crying in the corridor, I had no idea it was her until-"

Thomas felt his heart drop into his stomach. _Fuck. _Everything, of course, made sense. Her coldness, maybe, that could have passed, but the way she'd slapped him so furiously, the fear in her eyes when he'd moved to touch her, how she'd flinched when he tried to kiss her that night- _that same night. _

"I didn't know whether to tell anyone- Thomas. Thomas?"

Thomas looked up, realising he had not heard anything Miles had said after "a violent one".

"I'll keep it in mind."

Miles nodded, and went back to his chair. They would likely not speak of it again.

Thomas's mind was still full of her. But now it was her crying, her defenceless. How terrified she must have been in the hotel, with whoever that man was. How he, Thomas, must have made that fear so much worse.


	3. Chapter 3

_"'__Til the day when I'll be going down that long, long trail with you…"_

Thomas couldn't pin down why he'd felt the need to leave so abruptly at the end of the song. He could barely look at Kitty, yet he couldn't stay standing there _without_ looking at her. Funny, how piercing, unrevealing her gaze was, when he felt his own face must betray so much. If he stayed, Miles was sure to drag him into a conversation about just how _wonderful _the VADs' performance had been, which was the last thing Thomas wanted right now. He had barely come to terms with what Miles had told him earlier, and he certainly didn't know how he could possibly make things right with Kitty. Maybe he should just go on avoiding her. Be civil, of course, but nothing more. All he'd done so far was harm.

He turned on his heels and left. It was probably for the best.

* * *

Kitty had to restrain herself from rushing straight out after Thomas. She might have done well to hide her emotions- she had years of experience in that, after all- but truly she was desperate to say something, _anything _to put an end to the strange coldness that had been left between them the night before. Maybe there was something still to salvage- had that been a half-smile that passed over his lips as the song ended? Or merely a curl of disgust?

She wouldn't know if she didn't at least try. After congratulating the girls, Kitty excused herself and left Flora's joyous chatter in the tent as she stepped outside.

"Have you got a light?" she called out, walking toward the glow of a cigarette a little way off.

She was sure, this time, there was something of a smile on Thomas's face as he held out the flame. But maybe it was just the dim light playing tricks.

* * *

The flickering lighter illuminated Kitty's eyes as if they were golden. Her steely demeanour had dissipated and she looked suddenly younger; vulnerable. To think that this young woman had been through so much and he'd had no idea- had been so insensitive- god, he'd sworn he wouldn't tell her that he knew, but he didn't see how he could possible talk to her otherwise, without apologising for his ignorance.

"I'm sorry if I-" Kitty said quietly.

"No, don't apologise."

She looked down, taking a long drag on her cigarette. The noisy chatter from the tent was still audible, yet it felt a world away.

"Miles told me what happened." Thomas said suddenly, looking out toward the woods. He felt awful, but at the same time a weight was lifted from his chest.

Kitty gave no response, continuing to smoke, staring at the damp ground.

"I was harsh- I was worse than harsh." He continued, trying to meet her gaze. "Truly, Katherine, I'm sorry."

"Why?" she said coolly, suddenly looking up, a sad, subdued look on her face. "You weren't to know."

They stared at each other for a moment then- a minute, or it might have been an hour. Thomas wanted to reach out toward her again, just to brush his hand against her face- but he couldn't risk it. It was enough that she had stayed this long, that they had been able to have some kind of conversation.

Kitty broke his gaze and tossed her cigarette to the ground.

"I should be getting back." She said, a slight lilt in her voice as if she were gulping back tears.

Thomas could only watch as she walked away, leaving him with nothing but a smouldering cigarette butt in the grass.

* * *

Thanks for your lovely feedback, everyone! I actually intended for them to kiss in this scene, but once I started writing it just didn't feel natural. The good news is that I'm going to extend this fic!


	4. Chapter 4

The sobs came quickly as Kitty walked away, welling in her chest and rising up, unstoppable. That was that, then. Another chance at happiness snatched away. No man would want her knowing of her shameful past. (And the incident in town was nothing compared to the rest…)

Luckily, the VADs' tent was empty, so she changed quickly into her nightclothes and lay face down on the camp bed. She wasn't angry at Captain Hesketh-Thorne, really. He'd had her best interests in mind, and evidently he had no idea of the nature of the relationship between her and Thomas. Not that there was anything left of it, now.

"…and maybe, at Christmas, we could do an even bigger group number- oh, Kitty! Are you alright?"

Kitty turned slightly to see Flora's ever-inquisitive face.

"It's been a long day." she sighed.

"You don't look well-"

"We're all tired, Flora." interrupted Rosalie. "Let's just go to bed."

Grateful for Rosalie's intervention, Kitty pulled the thin woollen blanket around her and closed her eyes. Tomorrow she would rise early, as always, and do what she had come here to do: work.

* * *

(This is more of a bridge than a chapter in itself... Next chapter should be up later today!)


	5. Chapter 5

Once again, Thomas found himself unwillingly being dragged somewhere by Miles. This time it was to the linen closet, in search of none other than Miss Trevelyan herself.

He hadn't slept well last night; had lain awake for what felt like hours, listening to the cries and shrieks coming from the wards. But it wasn't that which had kept him up, no- he was used to that by now. His tormenters were the thoughts of Kitty racing through his mind, that image of her walking away from him, over and over again.

"Ladies!" announced Miles cheerfully as they walked in. Thomas stayed leaning on the doorframe, unsure what he was even doing here. "I've been sent for Miss Trevelyan; she's meant to be on the wards. Any idea where she might be?"

Both girls shook their heads.

"I haven't seen her all morning." said Flora. "She seemed rather upset last night, though I thought it went very well!"

Thomas's head snapped up. Upset? That was the last thing he'd intended- he only wanted to make things right between them.

"Flora!" snapped Rosalie, giving her a stern look.

"Yes, it was quite a triumph." said Miles. "And I look forward to the next one. Don't you, Captain Gillan?"

"Hm? Yes." replied Thomas. His mind wasn't there but with her again, last night. Why had it upset her so much that he knew about what happened in town? Surely she trusted him enough to know he wouldn't tell anyone. God, all he'd wanted was to apologise…

"Well, thank you, ladies. Do send her over if you see her, won't you?"

They left the girls to go on folding linen. Thomas followed Miles halfway back to the main ward before slipping away. There was something he had to do.

* * *

Kitty had woken at dawn, as usual, made up some beds, steamed some laundry, and tended to a few minor injuries. As the hours passed and the hospital got busier, though, she felt the lump return to her throat, and she could barely concentrate on her work. When she saw the other two VADs approaching, she slipped out the back of the tent and down to the one place she might be able to find a little peace: the beach.

She found a sheltered spot in the dunes and tried to calm her breathing as she stared out at the sea. Though she started to feel a little better, she didn't know how she could continue working at the hospital now, knowing that Thomas knew about her past.

Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind and she made to stand up. Matron would be furious if she heard Kitty had been slacking off. She turned-

"Captain Gillan-" she said breathily.

The sea crashed gently behind them as Kitty tried to work out what to say. What was there left to say?

"Why did you leave? Yesterday." Thomas demanded.

"You were the one who said it'd be best for us to ignore each other."

"That was… my foolish pride." muttered Thomas. "I was hurt. But you had your reasons. I wanted to make things right."

"What is there to make right?" asked Kitty, tears coming freely to her eyes. "I'm a shamed woman, you know that now-"

"What, shamed because of what someone else did to you?"

Thomas paused, trying to regain his train of thought.

"I can't possibly imagine what you've been through." He continued, quieter. "But if I ever made you feel threatened, or afraid… I apologise."

Kitty looked down at the sand beneath her feet, trying to brush away the tears.

Thomas walked closer to her. Not too close, but enough to hear her sniffling. He had said his piece. He could only hope, now, that she might forgive him.

"I was scared," she said, quietly, still looking down, "of wanting you. And of what you'd think if you found out about… my past."

"The past is of no concern to me."

She looked up and smiled, then; a wry smile that was somehow radiant as the sun through a cloudy sky. Slowly, Thomas reached out a thumb to wipe away the tears on her left cheek. They stood there for some time; the bustle of the hospital miles away, the crashing waves only a gentle hum. He could feel her eyes on his mouth; then, soft, warm lips. He curled her hair in his hand and kissed her back, tenderly, the way he had wanted to since the moment she arrived.

Kitty leaned her forehead against his. They listened to one another's breathing as if it were the only sound left in the world.

Then, with one last glance up at him, she said, "I've got work to do," and smiled before trotting back toward the hospital.

Thomas, once again, was left dumbfounded, watching her walk away.

This time, though, there was nothing lost between them.

* * *

I guess this is going to be the end of this short fanfic, since I'm quite busy until Sunday when my dreams of a happy ending will surely be dashed by the final episode and I'll likely be driven to write another story... Thanks for your lovely words, readers!


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